


Pie from the Sky

by lullabelle



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Gen, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-03
Updated: 2010-03-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 12:09:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1119662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle/pseuds/lullabelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When there's something strange in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call?  PC Andy.  And then PC Andy will call Torchwood, because let's face it, he's a little clueless on his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pie from the Sky

**Author's Note:**

> Written for tw_lucky_7, the prompt being "gluttony".

Police Constable Andy was nobody's fool,  
which was why he disliked Captain Jack  
and thought him quite the tool.  
"Why are we here?" asked Captain J,  
swaggering like a prat,  
"This event's for tourists, and overpriced at that!"

PC Andy bristled, and fixed him with a glare,  
"I didn't _want_ to call you,  
Torchwood doesn't like to share.  
But something here's gone very wrong,  
I think you will agree.  
We may need Torchwood's expertise,  
if you would please just follow me."

So Jack let Andy lead him all around the fair  
until they finally came to rest  
in a large pavilion, open air.  
"In one hour, at this locale,  
an eating contest should take place,  
the only problem being,  
contestants are vanishing without a trace!"

Jack took a moment to ponder,  
consult the strap upon his wrist,  
place a call to Tosh and wander,  
check for evidence they may have missed.  
Finally he queried Andy, "Where were these guys last seen?"  
And PC Andy led him to a kitchen behind the scenes.

"They were last seen trying to steal a glance  
of what they had in store,"  
explained PC Andy, eyes fixed warily on the door.  
Captain Jack, though, blundered on;  
he was never shy.  
He checked out one of the ovens.  
"Hey!" he yelled, "There's pie!"

PC Andy rolled his eyes, "What did you _think_ they'd eat?"  
He wandered to one of the cooling trays,  
The rhubarb looked quite sweet.  
He shot a look at Captain Jack  
and, feeling something of a grouch,  
jabbed one finger into the pie,  
which to his surprise, yelled "OUCH!"

With Jack's attention firmly caught,  
he scurried to Andy's side,  
his gun trained on the very spot  
where sat the alien pie.  
"Are you responsible for this?"  
he demanded with a sneer,  
"Are you the one who's making these contestants disappear?"

Chortled the pie, "Afraid I am!  
And there's nothing you can do!  
I ate the glutinous Welshmen  
and next I'm eating YOU!"  
And then Jack riddled it with bullets  
until it was nothing but rhubarb goo.

But then came an alarming sound,  
a tinny clicky-clacking  
as nearly 200 pies sprouted legs  
and went after them, intent on snacking.  
PC Andy stared in shock  
at Captain Jack's now useless glock  
and in despair declared, "Oh fuck."

As Captain Jack remained firm and stoic,  
his gun on the pastries trained,  
he desperately planned an act heroic,  
his pretty head he strained.  
But PC Andy would save the day;  
pushing his way past Captain J,  
he grabbed a blowtorch and cried, "FLAMBÉ!"

For a moment, Jack looked confused  
and certainly the pies were not amused  
as Andy attacked with a jet of flame,  
he was sure that he looked quite insane.  
Captain Jack then took his cue  
and armed himself with a blowtorch, too.

Jack and Andy made short work.  
At the sight of fire, the pies went berserk  
but in the end they were outgunned  
by Andy and the Captain (having way too much fun);  
attacking with torches fully loaded,  
they discovered that the pies _exploded_.

The next quarter of an hour flew,  
until Jack and Andy, covered in alien pie goo  
collapsed upon the floor to rest.  
Andy felt like he'd passed a test.  
"Holy shit," said the young PC.  
Captain Jack had to agree,  
and as he considered how much praise to heap,  
PC Andy informed him, "I hope you realize there's no bloody way I'm going to be the one stuck cleaning this mess up."

Jack told him to take a flying leap.


End file.
